Posts tagged autoimmune
Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye is always hard. Even when it is something that desperately needs to be removed from our lives. There was a relationship there, no matter how twisted or fabulous it was, it was a part of our soul. Memories were made, time was spent, bonds developed, feelings grew. I have always been a person who best expresses myself through written word. So today I am finally saying goodbye....

"This is long overdue. And while I don't normally hold on to what we had, I never accepted that we were over. I always thought that one day you would come back to me. Now I am forcing myself to move on and am making the best of what is in front of me. I truly do miss you though. The way we used to laugh, cry, and joke around without a care in the world. The universe was ours to conquer. I sometimes long for the days when we would play with the kids for hours, running around the playground, and just messing about. We'd roam the countryside traveling and exploring not realizing that our carefree adventure would come to an end. I don't dwell on the fact that you are gone and why this happened. I just wish it wasn't so hard all the time. I know this is only making me a stronger and better version of myself, but I still cry from time to time over what no longer exists. I truly am grateful and blessed for what you gave me. But I still sometimes wish you wouldn't have had to leave. If one day I am blessed with your presence again, I will welcome you with open arms. I promise not to forget what I have learned and will march forward with an even bigger fire in my soul to create change. However, if our paths never cross again I will do my best not to look behind me and mourn your departure. So for now, I am saying goodbye. No matter how much it hurts, it's time to move on from something that hasn't existed for years. It is time to make the best of what I have in front of me. Thank you for what you gave me. I will always cherish what we once were. But it is time to say goodbye .... forever."

So who is this to? A lover? A friend? A family member? You might be surprised by my answer. It's none of those. Now I can actually hear some of you saying WHAT?!?! I would totally be doing the same if I were reading this. My "goodbye letter" is actually to my body and what it used to be. While it may seem ridiculous to write my old body a goodbye letter, I am having to accept the fact that with everything going on it will never return to what it once was. And it kind of sucks... big time.

My health is on a steady decline. Nothing has improved and my flares continually get worse. I've gained more symptoms that mean more specialist appointments and possibly outcomes I don't want to hear. My life is no longer carefree. To be honest, what adults life is carefree? Am I right?! But I miss the days where my biggest concerns were what I was fixing my family for dinner, or if we got homework completed, or getting to soccer games and practice on time. Ya know, regular life stuff. My life is no longer dictated by what needs to be done or even my family's crazy schedule. Instead my body determines everything now. How long can I be in a vehicle to travel, how long can I sit in church before I can't walk the rest of the day, what I can and can't eat, what activities can get done for the day if any, if I can play with my kids or not. The last one is the hardest pill to swallow. I often fear that I have somehow slighted my children because mommy can't do all the things she used to when they were really little. I loathe the fact that I can't hide it from them anymore and they worry. But today, today I say goodbye to it all. I move forward with a clean plate and a plan. There will be many improvises and changes in direction I am sure. However thinking about what I haven't been able to do for almost 7 years is not an option. Now it's time to focus on a new adventure with love in my heart and compassion in my soul for I am still alive. And that in itself is something to be very grateful for!

How do you deal with saying goodbye? How do you move forward and focus on the positive?